You've come to this site for one of two reasons:

Either you are a competent driver and agree that there is something wrong with everyone else out there


You're a friggin moron.

If you are not sure which category you fall into we've developed a simple three question test:

1) Do you think that it is okay to drive in the passing lane even if you are not passing someone?

2) Do you believe that the purpose of a three lane highway is to let three times as many people all travel at the same speed and arrive at their destinations at the same time?

3) Do you get pissed off when someone flashes their high-beams at you from behind or tailgates in order to get you to pull over, or even worse think that it's smart to slam on your brakes (do not do this!!!)


Add up the number of YES answers and score yourself below.

1 YES = You're wrong. It doesn't matter which one you answered yes to. You're just wrong.

2 YES answers = You're an idiot. The people who pass you on the right and swerve back in front of you aren't aggressive drivers, they're trying to teach you how it's done.

3 YES answers = You're a friggin moron. Please mail your drivers license back to your DMV. Once you have surrendered your license please read on.

We'll start with a definitions which should sound vaguely familiar:

Passing lane = meant for passing. That's right, passing. There's a reason why they don't call It the “driving right next to someone lane”. They also don't call it the “its okay to hang out in this lane as long as you're going faster than the speed limit” lane.

Accelerating Lane = Its meant for accelerating. That's right, accelerating. For those of you without a degree in physics, accelerating is loosely defined as the act of speeding up. If you aren't traveling the same speed as those drivers already on the roadway by the end of the accelerating lane then you've done something wrong. Note that I said “the same speed as those drivers” that you are merging with. Not necessarily the speed limit.

Yield sign = Yield. Not stop. Not park. Not get out of the car and make sure that nobody else is anywhere near you on the road. Those that confuse YEILD and STOP will often quickly learn another definition: fender bender (self explanatory)

Now, here are some more advanced definitions specific to this site:

Obstacle = A driver who insists upon remaining in the left lane long after they've passed any cars to their right, despite the fact that there are one or more completely acceptable lanes to their right.

Speed Regulator = A driver who parallels the car that they should be overtaking in the passing lane despite the fact that the passing lane is wide open in front of them.

Slowball = A driver who although thoughtfully drives in the slow lane just drives way to slow for current traffic conditions. If you're driving on a 40mph donut spare tire or are just not comfortable traveling highway speeds THEN DON'T DRIVE ON THE HIGHWAY.

Rubberbanding = The phenomenon of travel lanes fluctuating from very fast to slam on the brakes and skid to a stop. Explained in more detail later.

Schizo-foot = either all gas or all brake. No in between.

Idler = similar to schizo-foot without the brake. The idler likes to gun the engine thrusting passengers heads back in their seats, or completely take their foot off the gas and slow down. These drivers have yet to discover the steady state nature of holding your foot gently on the gas to reach and maintain their desired speed. They also haven't heard of cruise control.

Jackass = Slow driving evangelists who take it upon themselves to slow down the rest of us by doing some combination of any of the other things on this page. These drivers end up causing more damage than good by forcing everyone else to drive unsafely to get past them.

Do you know a friggin moron? Want to help make the world a better place? Let them know by:
* print this website page and leave it on their desk or windshield
* send them an anonymous email using our mailer
* leave them one of our free bumperstickers ($1 S/H)
* recommend they read this book

* Join our Chat Room and vent your frustrations about Moronic drivers.

* Log a comment below:



Remember: there's no such thing as an agressive driver... Just those of us who are trying to get around all the friggin morons out there.

If we work together we can all get to where we want to go safely, and more importantly at the speed we all want to travel.


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